I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
