Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
