living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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