i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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