I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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