he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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