No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
