There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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