Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
