i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
