I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
