I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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