I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
