Non-Jews are for practice
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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