How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize