Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
