arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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