It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
