I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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