I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
