I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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