I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
