I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
