my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
