Your dad touched me again.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
