In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
