From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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