You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
