you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
