There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
