I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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