Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Drunk is not a location!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
