you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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