the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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