I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Farmville is her only friend.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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