eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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