my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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