My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
