maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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