Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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