I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
