you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
