I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
