history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize