i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
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