well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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