So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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