I heard we made out
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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