I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
