I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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