I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
