for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
