You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
