I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She tied me up with her honor cords...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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