I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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