My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
