my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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