Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
