I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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