Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
